Maternity Leave is...

My reflections on being on maternity leave.

Maternity leave is...

- knowing only two things will comfort your screaming child: one is your loving arms and gentle maternal touch, the other is a $1.25 piece of plastic shaped like a nipple.

- not getting the laundry done because you instead spent an hour staring in awe at your child and wondering about the miracle of creating life.

- crying over stretch marks

- crying because she's crying

- crying because you miss work (and hope they are missing you)

- crying because you'll have to go back to work soon

- crying because your boobs leaked

- crying because you are out of peanut butter

- making up words to songs. Rock-a-bye Baby now includes the lyrics, "If you go to sleep, I'll give you ten bucks."

- wondering why in hell your mother went through this twice (or more! times).

- making a list of things to do, and then the only stuff that gets done in 8 weeks is stuff for the baby. "Dentist Appt for Me" somehow never gets accomplished.

- taking approximately 200 digital photos of your baby - while she's sleeping. (And lamenting that the photos never capture the sweetness.)

- having at least one panic attack about the color, consistency, or quantity of your baby's poop.

- learning little things about your child so that by the time Daddy comes home from work, you are an insufferable baby know-it-all.

- referring to yourself in the third person as "Mommy" even when talking to co-workers or salespeople.

- being bored, yet getting nothing done.

- praying that the Lord sets aside a special place in heaven for the inventor of the bouncy seat.

- only eating foods that you can prepare and eat with one hand.

- never being able to enjoy an entire shower.

- sitting down to feed the baby and realizing too late that your glass of water, book, remote control, laptop, or magazine is six inches too far from the reach of your hand.

- wondering how one 8 pound baby produces 2 full loads of laundry every week.

- loving the cute daddy stuff your husband does.

- forcing yourself to leave the house and join the world, even though it's a total hassle to get yourself and the baby ready to go.

- taking the 4:00 am diaper change and feeding because your husband actually has to go to work in three hours.

- being exhausted, but not being able to nap because you have to clean. The house is so cluttered you can't stand it anymore!

- gaining a new respect for every mother you know, especially your own.